I'm Not That Kind of Girl

2/16/2018

I have struggled a lot with, “What do I want this to be?” Enough it has kept me from writing. I so much don’t want everything I write to focus on dating and men. I was talking to my constant cheerleader and sounding board, Angela, not long ago. I believe it was after I text her seeking a pep talk regarding men. Not the first and certainly not the last.

Angela reminded me this is about me and dating is part of my world. I have plenty to add besides my grumblings about dating, but it is of some unfortunate permanence at this time.

I will transform a discussion about dating to one of connection. Whether it is romantic, familial, friendly or otherwise…

The work I do is somewhat hard to describe. And, when I do try to describe it, it sounds wildly boring. LOL When I started the job and tried to explain it to a friend she said, “So you’re like a guidance counselor?” YES!!! That’s the best I can do. I’m a customer service specialist, but I have counseled more than a couple people in their journey to a new career. I remember my now boss telling me in the interview she wanted someone who could build relationships with our members/students/customers. I think we both felt the light from the radiant bulb that went off above me. YES!!! I may have been created for just that, building relationships.

I have said for a large part of my life God didn’t put all this love inside me to not share it with someone. I believe when I started saying that it was because I was on that desperate search for my mate. Somewhere along the way, that transformed from “someone” to “everyone”. Why store it away for what is not necessarily an eventuality? Now, I won’t say I’m not saving some of that love for the right guy, but hey, he better get with it or my heart may just fill up.

I started spreading it around. I smile, I hold doors, I let people go ahead of me, I compliment people when I notice something wonderful about them, I empathize, I sympathize, I cry, I laugh, I joke, I let my love light shine. I do my best to be happy in a seriously fucked up world. Just in case someone is watching and needs to see love. I love myself as much as possible, but I think I covered that already. Have you checked the bulb in your love light lately? I know you’re not all people-driven like I am, but you can make a difference without taking on my “what’s a stranger?” approach.

I think so much of what we are lacking in this life is genuine connection. How is it possible that now we can know everything about everyone, but we don’t know each other as intimately as people did 20, 30, 40 years ago? I have a few hypotheses but I think we just don’t actually care about each other anymore. Not more than we care about ourselves. We care about how things appear to other people, not how or who they truly are. The Facebook front, the flashy clothes and the empty bank account, the fake smile masking your sadness, the family photos with a spouse you’re not speaking to, the secret divorce that is tearing you apart, the swiping that only brings you down. It’s all so consuming and draining. Honesty has somehow become the hardest thing to maintain. When we aren’t able to be honest with ourselves, we are not capable of healthy connection with others.

I have slowly built divides with people who I feel aren’t honest with themselves and the people in their lives. Some of those divides I didn’t even know were under construction. I delved into one of those relationships and finally saw the divide, wide and deep, and it made me really sad…hell, it still makes me sad! But, to be whole and healthy, you must keep people who are the same in your circle. Have I gotten off track? 🙃

I have pondered lately how we allow ourselves to be defined. Who/what made you who/what you are? My discovery into self has revealed something I am so blessed to have without even knowing it was in me. I didn’t let my beginning define me negatively. Some adopted people feel like they were given up, thus starting off with a sense of rejection. My aunt tried to tell me that was why I was so adverse to being told no when I was younger. I knew even then one had nothing to do with the other. Who likes being told no?? LOL My adoptive beginnings built in me the foundation of “You can make of this whatever you want!” And, let’s be honest, I hit the family jackpot.

Family was a fluid term before I was born. The first family I knew is my rock. There is soooo much Walden about me, but there is soooo much that isn’t. I am the member of many families who love me without condition. I have built my own strange, loud family of friends. How’d I do that? I actually chose to care about all these people. Lucky for me, they did the same. And now… HOLY SHIT…I have found the people who made me!! Guess what, I loved them already and now they know. So do their families. Y’all better be ready for my love ❤

Circling back to my main point of connection. How in the world does a person who thrives on whole-hearted, honest connections date in a world so disinterested in such things? I have no idea.

Stay tuned.

Love,
Christi

Let me tell you about my past few days.

Thursday, I spent time with two friends. One was burying her mother. We got in a good hug at the visitation before I had to buzz to my dinner date. My dinner date is a former coworker. She and I try to catch up over a good meal somewhat regularly. At the end of dinner I followed her to her new home as we found out we are less than a half mile from each other now. She told me about how her older daughter has an amazing new job opportunity and just left for the big city. Her younger daughter is thriving and looking towards big change as she figures out which high school will one day be her alma mater. This friend has been through some serious trials in life. To see her happy and whole is wonderful.

PS – our dinner at American Harvest was OUTSTANDING!!!

Friday, I had the day off causing a burst of domesticity that involved buying a mop. My cell phone bill buddy stopped by for our monthly chat. She commented, “I love coming by here. It’s like no time has passed. We just jump right back in.” That made me feel good. I cleaned up and went on an afternoon date with a very nice guy. We had great conversation and made plans to see each other again. I came home to chill for a bit before hitting the town with my friends. Facebook alerted me to the fact that one of oldest friend’s dad had suffered a major heart attack, sending him into a 10 day coma. He woke up Friday 🙂 I thanked God for His miracle and went about my evening. I picked up my friend, whose mother was buried that day, to grab some Mexican and several drinks. We were joined after dinner by a few other friends. We enjoyed a night of laughter and conversation – “a full release” as she called it. She had fun and was grateful for some time away after a very emotional week. I felt privileged to be with her. I got them to the last bar safely and came home to fall asleep with lots on my mind. Before sleep came a string of texts with a college friend reminiscing on some of our silly youthfulness and Janet Jackson’s “Nasty Boys” – not your average end of the night lullaby!

Saturday started with an email that set the tone for my day. My biological father and I have been in contact for over a month now. I laugh and smile at every message he sends me. I got up and the cleaning continued. I readied my house for Monday’s visitor and made mac n cheese for a night with more friends. I took a nap and snapped with my friend’s 8 year old daughter. I skipped the shower portion of my day and went over to their house in the comfiest of clothes. We ate dinner, had a few drinks and lots of laughs. I held their baby and talked shit with their 12 year old son. There was another couple over I’d not met and am glad I now have. I got to watch a mother rock her child to sleep under the stars. I caught up with my friends and made plans for the future. I got to watch my boy be a father. I watched them both with gratitude to be a part of their love and their life. I’m not always so lucky to meet a woman who is so open to my friendship with her man. They are a blessing.

Sunday – ugh I am STILL cleaning! LOL I waited from the call from my parents to go to the hospital for a visit. I sent a message to my biological mother telling her I have changed my mind about waiting to meet her family until after she and I have met. Unfortunately, she and I won’t be in the same place for a long time. Busy schedules and thousands of miles just don’t work well together. I will be close to her family later this month and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to meet who I can in case the chance never comes again. She was understanding, as I knew she would be. The fact I’m meeting my first blood relatives in a couple weeks will hit me later I’m sure. I made my way to the hospital to see my friend and his family to rejoice that his dad is alive. What a miracle! I shed some private tears but spent most of the time smiling. I was overwhelmed watching his boys take care of him. I listened to his wife tell us the scary details of the attack and everything since then. I watched a father look at his sons with such love and what I think was thankfulness to still be with them. They played him some of his favorite music. He tapped his foot, shook his shoulders and even sang along a couple times – laughing and smiling. I will never lose that memory as it found a space in my heart immediately. I got some FaceTime with my best friend and my favorite two year old. I arrived home with so much on my mind and heart. As I typed a message thanking my mom for her understanding, I got a text from a college friend sharing the news of her engagement!!!!! ❤ More tears of joy and gratitude.

What’s the point of publicly posting my weekend in detail? It was A LOT of reality in a short amount of time. I was able to share just about every emotion with people I love this weekend. Except anger. There was no anger even where their was fear and worry, love and happiness abounded. Death is sometimes closer than we know. The loss of someone you love is something you never stop feeling. I want to know when I lose someone they knew how much I cherished them. I appreciated our time together. I was blessed to know them. Do you spend your time appreciating what and who you have? Do you tell people you love them? Do you hug them? Are you honest with them? I tell you what, life is…I don’t know that I have the word I want. Life is amazing. But, death is a very real part of life. I’ve managed to avoid losing a lot of people I love so far. I am working on how I deal with death because it is an important part of our existence. It is the realist part of our reality I believe.

Thank you to all mentioned for changing my world and making it a better place. If you’re reading this, there is a good chance you too have made my life better. I urge you all to remember each and every day is a good one – even the bad days. Say the things that are on your heart to the people in your life – especially the tough stuff. Spend time with them just in case next time you can’t. Life (and death) will, in its day-to-day way, continue.

Love each other.

Just when you think you know who you are, a stranger says, “Tell me about yourself.” I figure this is a better platform to really tell people that versus laying it all out for total strangers.

I tried to explain to one potential suitor there is no way to describe your life to someone. One must see it for themselves. Most of us have put our lives on social media, so that’s always an easy way to let someone take a peek. But, that takes for granted that everyone is HONEST about who they are on social media. We all know that is not the case for many people. I do my best to live my life honestly and transparently – I think that comes through on my various social outlets. I heard a very simple saying a few years ago that I wrote down and shared with a student or two, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain

So, who am I? The newest addition is “blogger”. I told myself I would tell the world if I got 100 “likes” on my post that said I was going to start a blog so here I am. 36 years old, single with no kids – independent (sometimes to a fault), financially stable, fun, SOCIAL, loving. Ugh…it’s all so generic. I can’t TELL you who I am. The name “I’m Not That Kind of Girl” has a lot to do with that. I can tell you I’m lazy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t work hard. I can tell you I’m a strong believer in God, that doesn’t mean I go to church. I drink ‘often’, but anyone who knows me knows I am no drunk. I’m simply not that kind of girl.

I am a believer in people. I am a lover of people. I am working toward being a kinder person. I have considered myself an optimistic realist ever since I knew what that meant. I do my best to keep my thoughts and processes on the bright side; I will find the silver lining. I also do my best to shine that light into the lives of those around me. I don’t know when I decided to just be happy, but I’m sure glad I did. Life is hard with no help from us humans. We struggle, we stumble, we fall, we decide if we get back up. We love, we lose, we hurt, we only heal if we allow ourselves. See how that works…shit happens and we decide if we are going to stay beat down or if we are going to get the fuck up. I cuss a lot too. You should know that about me. There are so many clichés and quotes I can fit in here so I’ll try to be original. Do you want to be happy or do you enjoy being miserable? Whichever you prefer, go with that. Just stay THE FUCK away from me if you enjoy misery. I think that is a good life motto.  

I love being alive. I lead a very charmed life. I can go and do as I please. I have no major responsibilities outside of going to a job I am blessed to have. I have bills to pay but so does every other adult in the world so those don’t count. Being a singular person makes the future both scary and exciting. At this moment, I can do WHATEVER I want to do for the rest of my life. That’s not something everyone can say simply because they have to think of the people in their life to whom they are obligated. On the flipside, I may be a singular person for the rest of my life. I may never have the built-in date to weddings and movie nights on the couch. I may not have a family to take care of me when I am sick and dying.  I will never know for sure I was good mom. I may leave nothing behind having no one to whom I can leave my memories.

I relieved myself of the weight of needing children to complete my life over 10 years ago. God knows I love children but the ol clock started running on my time around 24 years old. I still think of having kids, should I find the right man to marry. If he wants them, he will get them. If I got pregnant outside of marriage, I’d be a mom and I’d kick ass. The only reason I’ve thought about it more recently is because I want my parents to get to be grandparents. They’d be great at it. But, none of us think that’s a good enough reason LOL. I called it a weight because it seems like that is how my friends carry it. It is this big, huge thing that clings to them every day. Marriage is the same.

Knowing what you want out of life is incredibly important. However, deciding your life isn’t full without things you have no control over is really fucking dangerous. They say “chasing the dragon” when it comes to getting high and always looking for the higher high. Constantly looking for the next date, next boyfriend, next love is the same thing to me. It takes over your life and your thoughts. It drains you. It depletes you and wears on your self-worth. Leaves you thinking there is something wrong with you that no one likes who you are. I think that should then beg the questions, “Do you like who you are? Do you love you?” Again, there are clichés and memes for days with opinions on this. None of them actually help you love yourself. That is totally, 100% up to you to figure out. I can tell you one thing for sure, the love of another does not make you more lovable. The whole point of loving yourself is embracing who you are as an individual. That’s kind of the point for me in all this. To explore if I really love myself and if I’m truly happy. I believe I am, but I like to really know the root of things. Welcome to my journey.

I think I’m going to have to warn some people as I intend to be honest and transparent in my writing as well. Perhaps I’ll go back to my high school ways of giving everyone nicknames…