2/16/2018
I have struggled a lot with, “What do I want this to be?” Enough it has kept me from writing. I so much don’t want everything I write to focus on dating and men. I was talking to my constant cheerleader and sounding board, Angela, not long ago. I believe it was after I text her seeking a pep talk regarding men. Not the first and certainly not the last.
Angela reminded me this is about me and dating is part of my world. I have plenty to add besides my grumblings about dating, but it is of some unfortunate permanence at this time.
I will transform a discussion about dating to one of connection. Whether it is romantic, familial, friendly or otherwise…
The work I do is somewhat hard to describe. And, when I do try to describe it, it sounds wildly boring. LOL When I started the job and tried to explain it to a friend she said, “So you’re like a guidance counselor?” YES!!! That’s the best I can do. I’m a customer service specialist, but I have counseled more than a couple people in their journey to a new career. I remember my now boss telling me in the interview she wanted someone who could build relationships with our members/students/customers. I think we both felt the light from the radiant bulb that went off above me. YES!!! I may have been created for just that, building relationships.
I have said for a large part of my life God didn’t put all this love inside me to not share it with someone. I believe when I started saying that it was because I was on that desperate search for my mate. Somewhere along the way, that transformed from “someone” to “everyone”. Why store it away for what is not necessarily an eventuality? Now, I won’t say I’m not saving some of that love for the right guy, but hey, he better get with it or my heart may just fill up.
I started spreading it around. I smile, I hold doors, I let people go ahead of me, I compliment people when I notice something wonderful about them, I empathize, I sympathize, I cry, I laugh, I joke, I let my love light shine. I do my best to be happy in a seriously fucked up world. Just in case someone is watching and needs to see love. I love myself as much as possible, but I think I covered that already. Have you checked the bulb in your love light lately? I know you’re not all people-driven like I am, but you can make a difference without taking on my “what’s a stranger?” approach.
I think so much of what we are lacking in this life is genuine connection. How is it possible that now we can know everything about everyone, but we don’t know each other as intimately as people did 20, 30, 40 years ago? I have a few hypotheses but I think we just don’t actually care about each other anymore. Not more than we care about ourselves. We care about how things appear to other people, not how or who they truly are. The Facebook front, the flashy clothes and the empty bank account, the fake smile masking your sadness, the family photos with a spouse you’re not speaking to, the secret divorce that is tearing you apart, the swiping that only brings you down. It’s all so consuming and draining. Honesty has somehow become the hardest thing to maintain. When we aren’t able to be honest with ourselves, we are not capable of healthy connection with others.
I have slowly built divides with people who I feel aren’t honest with themselves and the people in their lives. Some of those divides I didn’t even know were under construction. I delved into one of those relationships and finally saw the divide, wide and deep, and it made me really sad…hell, it still makes me sad! But, to be whole and healthy, you must keep people who are the same in your circle. Have I gotten off track? 🙃
I have pondered lately how we allow ourselves to be defined. Who/what made you who/what you are? My discovery into self has revealed something I am so blessed to have without even knowing it was in me. I didn’t let my beginning define me negatively. Some adopted people feel like they were given up, thus starting off with a sense of rejection. My aunt tried to tell me that was why I was so adverse to being told no when I was younger. I knew even then one had nothing to do with the other. Who likes being told no?? LOL My adoptive beginnings built in me the foundation of “You can make of this whatever you want!” And, let’s be honest, I hit the family jackpot.
Family was a fluid term before I was born. The first family I knew is my rock. There is soooo much Walden about me, but there is soooo much that isn’t. I am the member of many families who love me without condition. I have built my own strange, loud family of friends. How’d I do that? I actually chose to care about all these people. Lucky for me, they did the same. And now… HOLY SHIT…I have found the people who made me!! Guess what, I loved them already and now they know. So do their families. Y’all better be ready for my love ❤
Circling back to my main point of connection. How in the world does a person who thrives on whole-hearted, honest connections date in a world so disinterested in such things? I have no idea.
Stay tuned.
Love,
Christi
I'm Not That Kind of Girl 